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The workshop was on Tuesday at NGO Atina. Four of the beneficiaries agreed to meet with me and Dragana, the psychologist. We will call them Vera, Jana, Melia, and Tanja, to protect their privacy.
So first, Dragana and I discussed what types of activities we would have to help the women practice their trust skills/ get trust skills. We agreed to break the ice by starting with a trust game. Some of you may know this game/hate this game (Dakota). The group is split up into pairs and one person is blindfolded and the other has to lead them around the building/apartment/room/whatever but do it without telling them where to go. This is a small practice of trust. The women had apparently done the exercise before for another workshop long ago but were on board to do it again. The women did very well, except for one instance where the telephone apparently jumped out and bit Melia, and no one was hurt. Afterward, we chatted about how it felt to be in the dark and trust someone else completely. They said it was difficult but they also trusted the other woman who was leading them so that made it a little better. We chatted more and, without me telling them the point of the exercise, they knew that they could overcome the uncomfortable feeling because they trusted the person and they trusted them because they had known them for a long time. Trust is not built overnight.
We did some brainstorming about what trust actually means to them and what it should look like ideally speaking. We wrote their ideas on the flip chart so everyone could see and comment. They said, trust is when you can tell someone your secret and they won't tell other people. Trust is when someone does not betray you. Trust is when someone shares some of their secrets with you too. Most of the comments were laced with their fears and knowledge of betrayal.
Then we talked about who it is in their lives that they would like to trust. Vera was very clear- no one that I don't already trust. (Vera is very pragmatic and straight forward.) Vera explained that it takes a while for her to trust people and that she watches and will begin to trust when she is ready and not sooner. Vera had a very difficult trafficking experience and was brutally beaten. She had the more violent experience of the women. She said that she never believes that anyone had it as brutal as she did. She tried to trust other girls and even protect them from being trafficked by her trafficker but the girls used the information against her and she was beaten for trying to help them.
Jana also had a violent trafficking experience and was actually trafficked by her mother and her brother. She is one of 7 children and she and one of her sisters were trafficked by her mother. She wants to know why she was trafficked. Jana wants to trust her mother but, as you can understand, is unable to. She explained why she wants to trust her (i.e. she is her mother) but that even now she has to testify against her mother in court and the family is giving her a guilt trip about making her mother go to prison. Also, the mother denies trafficking her at all.
Melia had a less violent trafficking experience but who are we kidding? What trafficking experience is a holiday? Melia would like to trust her mother and her brother but they are emotionally unavailable. For example, when Melia was stopped crossing the Croatian/Serbian border and held in jail her brother never came to get her. She stayed for a while with no one coming to her aid. Melia explained that her mother was never available to her. Was not there for her on her first day of school, did not do birthdays for her, was not at her graduation, was unimpressed by her diploma, etc. At this point, I started to tear up. Melia looked at me. I said, "I know how you feel. This story is just like mine." Melia moves next to me and rubs my shoulders as we cry a bit together and she says, "I'm sorry." I was overcome. What a doll! The compassion was so fantastic. I did not mean to cry and I think it was a good experience. Felt a little funny since I was facilitating the workshop and the women were so kind to me about it. Melia went on to say that her mother is always calling her saying she is sick and about to drop dead and when Melia goes to her she is just fine and is partying with a guy. She worries that if her mother continues to cry "wolf", one day Melia will not show up and she really will be ill.
Tanja spoke about her husband. Tanja is hilarious. She has the sweetest little baby boy and the sweetest little daughter "Lica". Lica speaks a bit of english and even helped me with my cyrillic. Smart girl! Tanja says that sometimes she just does not trust her husband. I asked her, do you ever tell him that? She said, "Yes! Sometimes I just say, 'I don't trust you right now.' And he says, 'okay.'" And that is that. I told her, well I think that sounds pretty straightforward. Her husband loves her and she loves him and they have their moments like any couple I know. Tanja had issues of trust even with one man that she fell in love with while she was trafficked. He visited her often and led her to believe that he would rescue her. In the end, he betrayed her and told the trafficker about her attempt to escape.
So Vera will trust when she is good and ready, Melia and Jana want to trust their respective mothers but their mothers are untrustworthy and Tanja wants to trust her husband but does most of the time. I told them, "hmmm... your "trust issues" sound pretty normal. You are not crazy. Trust is not 100% or 0%. Yes you may have issues with trusting people but that is due to the fact that the people you would like to trust you either already trust or they are untrustworthy. So let's practice smaller levels of trust with people you would like to get to know. When you meet someone and want to get to know them better, make plans for coffee. If they show up at the right place and at the right time then you know that is one small foundation stone of trust. Now, (for those of you reading this that know ME so well :P) if they show up but maybe not on time, perhaps you can trust that they will be late." This got some laughs.
So I had them make a "contract" with each other. They would all agree to meet for coffee (Tanja said "at my place finally! I have been trying to get them to come over!") and each one would bring one thing to the meeting. Something small like a pack of gum, cigarettes, etc. Just to practice being dependable and responsible to each other. They are already pretty good that way but this is more of a practice and they can use it with new people. Building the bridge of trust one stone at a time. They agreed to meet on Sunday at Tanja's. Tanja was pretty stoked. I told them I would follow up on Monday to see how it went. Tanja said, "well now if they don't show up I know I cannot trust them!" Laughter all around. Everybody is a comedian. ;)
We all thought the workshop went well even though we did not role play. The role play was not necessarily a good fit at this point. These women are very savvy and, with the guidance from Atina, have come a long way to being more comfortable with themselves and are more capable to trust because the folks at Atina have showed them there are people in the world who can be trusted. Sometimes not your family, sometimes not the police, sometimes not your friends, but trustworthy people, WE, are out there. Thankfully.
Next week I am off to Montenegro for some fun in the sun in the rugged beauty! Check out Montenegro here.
Blog at you later! OH! Check out my friend Amer's blog too! The Decadent South.
AND NOW FOR SOME RANDOM PHOTOS OF ME AT THE EXIT MUSIC FESTIVAL IN NOVI SAD!
Me at the Lesbian Clubhouse before the show. Seriously, it was a clubhouse of/for lesbians and the gay pride movement in Serbia.
The Sex Pistols were playing. If you look closely you cannot see how old and fat Johnny Rotten has gotten. Spin Sid, Spin!
More traditional Serbian music.
From Left to Right: Maja, ME, and Elena (Friend of Maja's and now my friend!)Click on the Donate button!
So Srpski jezik casovi (serbian language classes) are going well. Ucim Srpski u institutu. (I am studying Serbian at the institute. Not bad, eh? Am learning how to have small conversations and kind of just get through the town without sounding like a complete idiot. Only problem occurs after I speak. Then the people speak so dang fast I am like "huh?" Then they speak English and I am like "NO! I want to practice Serbian!" Then I ask them to slow down. Then I am like "huh?" This has happened a couple of times. :) I am getting better though.
Met with Dragana (isn't that name cool?!), the psychologist, and the beneficiaries from Atina last week. We had a focus group to discuss the needs they have that are not yet being met so we could determine an intervention or skill building exercise to assist. The beneficiaries talked a lot about trust and self-esteem. Their trust has been broken by the trafficking, as you can imagine. Some girls are trafficked by family, some by boyfriends, friends, etc. So their ability to trust people is definitely shaky. The whole trafficking experience has damaged their self-esteem and its long lasting effects are prominent. To be clear, these women are not huddling in the corner crying all day. It is different. The human spirit is amazingly strong. These women are sometimes in shock and talk about their experience like they are reading a recipe. Also, if they have already come to terms with their trauma they may just have internal conflicts about their worth. Many levels of response to the trauma but ultimately their self-esteem is low if non-existent.
They also talked about pain, both identification and coping. The beneficiaries have an extremely high pain tolerance since their trafficking trauma. Sometimes the tolerance can be so extreme that it can be life threatening. One beneficiary, let's call her "Biljana", had pain and was not using the bathroom very often and when she did her stool was black. She had appendicitis and her appendix had ruptured. She was living with this pain for 3-4 weeks! Can you imagine? She was rushed to the hospital and was immediately put into surgery. She recovered and then had a ovarian cyst a few months later that was so large it was the size of an orange! She lived with that pain for a while too! She was again rushed to the hospital after it was discovered in a conversation with the Atina people and she is doing much better now.
The women said that you learn not to talk about pain. If you are beaten and you say that it hurts you will be beaten more. You cannot even discuss menstrual pain. The women told me that when they had their periods, the traffickers would give them sponges (like the ones for the kitchen) and would tell them to insert them into their vaginas so that they could keep "working". Sometimes they would not be able to get them out and would get toxic shock. One woman was pregnant when she was trafficked. Her trafficker found out she was pregnant and made her lay on the floor and he jumped on her stomach over and over to kill the baby. Pain tolerance is a method and after trafficking it can be deadly.
After a long discussion, the women decided that trust was the most important issue. All other issues pale in comparison. It is hard for them to trust anyone and it takes a long time for them to begin to trust. So we decided to have a workshop where the women will talk about the different scenarios they want to deal with (boyfriends, employers, new people, family, etc.) and have the group make decisions about what is the most appropriate responses to each situation. The dynamic is such that I am not just telling them what they should do but rather that they are already informed enough that they are able to give good direction to each other (self-esteem building as well). It will be a role playing workshop so that they can practice what they would do in the situation. I will also encourage them to trust themselves and their instincts. If they feel like a certain person is not to be trusted then they can listen to themselves and make their own decision. It is not all or nothing with trust. People earning trust over time has great value and is completely appropriate.
The workshop is next week. I will be conducting it with Dragana so that she can assist with translation and also so that if anyone has a role play that becomes too much for them they can have a chat with Dragana after and work it out. Safety first.
Other than that, Maja will have me put together an Excel data base that will allow for easier reporting of their data. Most of their data is on paper and is in a couple of different places so we decided it would be very useful to have an ongoing data base where she can get snapshots of their data and tell people what is what without having to go through the paperwork. Nice, huh?
So that is my update. Sorry I am not blogging as much as I had hoped I would. Things move a little slowly here and I did not want to blog just for the sake of blogging. Need to have something to say. I will keep you all up to date on the progress of the workshop and the data base.
Thank you for reading and a big kiss to you all!
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Ever need to vent? Today I need to vent. Hmmmm. I know that most often you give the bright side of things but today I am telling you all my peace.
Right before the spring quarter ended, I saw a student made film about the healthcare system in Cuba. The film was not very well made but the message that the Cuban health care system is awesome came through. Not sure if that was based on previously acquired knowledge or the film. Anyhow, after the film the student filmmaker got up and chatted about Cuba and some general Cuban topics. At one point someone asked, if Cuba is so great why are we taught to hate it or fear it? Being that the room was full of smarty pants liberal grad students we all sort of laughed to each other. "Because they are communists, sheesh. That is a no brainer." We then chatted a bit about how in the US we are spoiled and overfed, etc. The filmmaker jumped in and said "But it is difficult in Cuba. You cannot get the things you need at the grocery store. Like peanut butter or tampons." I laughed out loud. Ok, come on, "peanut butter and tampons"? Those are the examples? "What about food and shelter? Get over yourself. Americans are so spoiled. Where are our priorities?" Right? Sure....
Let's just say I made sure they have peanut butter here and I brought a lot of tampons, just in case.
So why this story? Well, I am studying Srpski and want to create flash cards so I can memorize the words. Yeah, "flash cards" is not translatable. Ok, lets try "note bez sticki ali debelo" (note without sticky back but thick). Yeah, not happening. Apparently, 3M has brought sticky notes to the former Yugoslavia but not note cards. I was like, Huh? Seems like a basic item, not crazy, not luxurious, kind of like tampons. Maja said I could make them by gluing a few pieces of paper together to make them thick enough so that I cannot see the answer on the other side. What the #%@&!?
I found a gym store, sells workout clothes, some gym equipment, etc. Went to buy two 10 lbs (or 4 kg) dumbbells. Yeah, they had ONE dumbbell. It was the display. I bought it. It is not as if the store did not sell dumbbells and I should be grateful that they surprisingly got one in the shipment. I almost felt bad for buying the display. Now how will other people know that they have one displayed dumbbell for sale?
Is it the end of the world? No. Does this mean I don't like Belgrade. Absolutely not. But as a temporary citizen of this great city, I too have a perspective. It is like when I am in line at the grocery store and some woman just jumps in front of me with a full cart of groceries. Inside I am like, "Hey lady! There is a line here!" But for one, I don't know how to say that in Serbian (yet) and it is a different way of living here. Queues are unheard of. It makes me crazy because I am socialized with queues but also because I know I am NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE GROCERY STORE, MA'AM! Do you see me? Do I exist? It parrots the driving. People stop in the middle of an intersection to let someone out of the car. Do they pull off the road to get out of everyone else's way? No. Then everyone is honking at them so you know that the people who are being blocked get it but when it is their turn to block they are like "What?"
Tons of people ride the bus. Public transportation is huge here. So huge, anywhere from 40 to 70 people get on ONE bus at a time. It gets very cramped to say the least. Now, anyone who has ridden the bus system in Belgrade even once knows how cramped it can get. So when 15 people get on a bus that is already 30-40 people full you make room, right? OR you can stand in the middle of the aisle holding onto your bus pole and not move an inch so that the people who just got on the bus are smashed at the front or the back of the bus to the point that the door almost cannot close even though there is room in the middle. I understand the concept of having less space than I am used to in America. I am actually just fine with being in a cramped bus but come on! What's the deal with obliviousness?
I hope this means I am really becoming more of a citizen here since I can also see the flaws. That is my definition of a real love for a city. There is so much good in Belgrade but there are pains in the ass too. I love Seattle but I have issues with it. I love America but I also am well versed in its shortcomings. Do I need all the world to be more "American"? No, that would be boring and dysfunctional. But at the same time I ask myself to look inward and become more aware of my surroundings, in the world or in the grocery store, I will critique others as well. All within the guise of understanding and an embrace of differences.
...and maybe a little peanut butter.
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Just getting used to life in Belgrade.
Hey everyone. So what has happened since i have been here? Well, lots actually.
My first week was a bit rough. Sick, not sleeping right, hot, covered in mosquito bites, etc. It was awful. Seriously. I was thinking "What have I done? Why am I here? I want to go home!" blah, blah, blah. It was like Viet Nam without the Pho. I prayed for death. (Oh the drama!)
Fortunately, the heatwave broke and we got some rain and thunderstorms. YAY! I finally started to get some sleep and my nausea went away. Started taking folic acid to keep the mosquitoes at bay and it was working. Blood suckers hate the way folic acid makes your skin smell I guess.
Anyhow, started working at NGO Atina. Hmmmm, "work". Well, it is not always what you expect. The American style of work is a little different from the Serb style of work. Now, dont get me wrong. NGO Atina and the staff get A LOT of work done for the beneficiaries and their needs are well taken care of in many ways. Also, it is not as if I am saying Serbs don't work hard. They do but just not in the same manner as I have come to expect at work. There is definitely more smoking, drinking coffee, talking, etc. It is about building relationships. I mean I cannot just kick down the door and start telling beneficiaries how to be "better human beings", right? I have to get to know the beneficiaries a bit more, talk with the staff psychologist about what needs are not yet being met and THEN I can really start to craft an intervention that will be helpful. It is a process.
So there are a number of workshops that the beneficiaries participate in such as group therapy, individual therapy, psycho-drama (not what happens when your ex sees you at a club with a new partner), job skills, case management (like social work) and things like jewelry making. That was the first workshop that I was able to attend. The jewelry is AWESOME! They are really making good stuff. I took some pics for you all to see. There is a website that I will link to this blog so you all can see their jewelry. The project is specifically for women who have been victimized. It is a great idea and the women are super talented. The proceeds from the jewelry sales go to the women for their support. Great idea, no?
Here is the table in the NGO where the beneficiaries gather around to work on their jewelry.
Notice the smokes. Practically everyone smokes in Belgrade. The cigarettes are super cheap too. Like $1 a pack. I may start it is so cheap. Nooooooooo!
One of the bracelets. Kind of a bright picture but you can see the work. Isn't it nice? Might buy this one for myself!
This is 3 strands of beautiful beads strung together on one necklace. Gorgeous!
Um, hello!?! Gorgeous!!
So I am currently taking Serbian at the International Language Academy here in Belgrade. The classes are pretty cool. Good group of students, one American woman, one American guy, One Indian guy, one Israeli woman, one German guy, and two Zambian children (their father is Serb). Good group and they are fun to work with... all except for that one. :{ Why is there ALWAYS that one guy? (This is like Fur Lady, Chelle... grrrrr) Well at least if I can identify that one person in the group then I know its not me. Right? Hee, right? Oh crap.
Well must study for class. My schedule has be come a bit more regular. Class every day in the morning until 12:30pm and then work until 5:30pm and then possibly Pilates class, walking around Belgrade, drinking caffe, etc. Really loving Belgrade now. Funny to think that so many people have been worried about me here. You would really laugh hard to see how not dangerous it is here. Seriously people. I know I am working within a dangerous topic but I am not rescuing women. The work is great and NOT DANGEROUS. The crime rate in Belgrade is also very low. It is like living in Prague/Athens. The people are amazing and warm and happy to see that an American is living in their fair city.
See!? Serbs chillin' downtown having a concert.
I mean, who doesn't love to shop?Okay, I am overdoing it now. But hopefully you all get my drift. Belgrade is beautiful, Serbs are awesome, and just like some people we all know, aka Americans, they don't want to be blamed for decisions their politicians have made.Will chat more soon so Cheers to you all! Please email me!!
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OK! Now for pictures of where I am staying.
Here is the sign Sonja, Christian, Marija, and Danielo used at the airport so I would see them. Sweet, no?
Here is my bedroom. Don't freak out. I just made the bed for the picture. For those who know me, it won't stay like that for long.
There is a balcony off of the bedroom and the kitchen/dining room. So cool!
This is my view from my flat. So beautiful!
Here is where I will write the great expat american novel... or just blog.
Imelda Marcos would not be proud of my shoe collection but she would be happy with the closet space. This closet takes up almost the entire wall!
The dining room with balcony. Sonja, NGO Atina, set this up with curtains and everything so I would be comfy. Thank you Sonja!
The kitchen is attached to the dining room. Has hot plate and mini oven.
This is the hot water heater for the kitchen sink. I plug it in when I am ready to do dishes. Cool idea for saving money
The cutest little bathroom.
This is the separate water heater for the shower. Just have to be sure and not hit my head on it. Don't let the shower head and the window fool you. The window ledge hits me right at the clavicle.So that is my place! Not too bad for my budget. I think they pulled some strings since the director of the NGO, Maja, and her sister Ivana own the flat. :) Totally worked this out for me and I am so grateful. My mom was worried that I was not staying with a host family but this is really good. I mean, I am 34 years old and really like having my own space. Especially since I have been so barfy the last couple of days. :(Will blog more tomorrow with pics of the town.Cheers to you all and thanks for reading and for your support of the project!Click on the Donate button!
Well Hello from Serbia!
Sorry I have not written in a long while. Have had crazy amounts of stuff to get done before traveling and then super jetlagged over here. Kind of sick actually. Blech.
So.... this will have a lot of pics! First is my trip to the Oregon coast with Dakota and Ecco.
Okay the one picture of me close up and I look like a crazy person. Fitting, no? Look at Ecco's face. She is like, "whatever. That's my mom."
This is the view from Ecola Park, not E. coli, in the Cannon Beach area. Super beautiful, no?
Here is Ecco and Dakota running on Manzanita Beach. This is just outside of the place that we stayed in Manzanita. So windy but nice.
Here is Ecco trying to figure out why I have made her walk so far. Here she is saying, "uhhhhh, Mom! I am done!"
And she was...
These are some awesome starfish from Cannon Beach. Dakota and I were walking all over these huge rocks and we were wondering whether we would see sea life. Ask and you shall receive! There were hundreds if not thousands of star fish, anemones, sea cucumbers, mussels, etc. Totally cool.
Here is where Dakota conquered Mt Everest... wait! Just a big rock on the beach. We climbed all over these rocks with converse on no less! Kind of scary at times. I kept wondering if I would have to go to the dentist before my flight. SMACK! Nothing happened but you know how the mind works.
This was our last night in Manzanita. I wanted to roast hotdogs and marshmellows and make smores on a real campfire. The first nights were too windy so we roasted on the hotels bbq. Lame! The last night was perfect and we found this cool fortress built by someone on the beach. Dakota made some additions and we brought some blankets and had roasted wieners and smores! Great way to end the trip. This is me and Ecco passed out on a log with blankets. We were funned out at midnight.So now I am going to do another couple of posts so you can see my trip to London and now in Belgrade.Stay Tuned!Click on the Donate button!
Me at the Lesbian Clubhouse before the show. Seriously, it was a clubhouse of/for lesbians and the gay pride movement in Serbia.
The Sex Pistols were playing. If you look closely you cannot see how old and fat Johnny Rotten has gotten. Spin Sid, Spin!
More traditional Serbian music.
From Left to Right: Maja, ME, and Elena (Friend of Maja's and now my friend!)
